Of Injury and Pain-Killers

For the longest time, I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I am injured and half of my life is on hold due to either my negligence of health, stupidity or fear of failure, or an unhealthy mix of all. Ever since I learned the value of hard work and success (which was quite early if I may be so honest), it has never left my mind that at times, those are the only things that keep me going especially when I’m going through hell. Because of that, I always pushed myself beyond my capacity and around 75% of the time, I know it’s a long-shot but that in itself is what keeps me going because the rewards will be much much sweeter. Most of the time, I focus way too much on the reward that I forget to live in the moment and eventually forget to live.

When I heard the news of my injury at the doctor’s office, the first thing that came to mind was if I could still compete for MaxGroove and the pained expression on the doctor’s face before he politely told me to opt to leave the team was only a fraction of the pain I felt when he finally said it. To say that the news hit me like a bus would definitely be an overstatement for it felt more like an ice pick on my already frozen heart that nearly brought me to tears. But I was never really the type to cry so I sat there, denying myself the right to feel pain and let it out because that would signify more failure on my part.

Nearly three months after, I now see my disability as less of a burden and little bit more of a blessing. After more than half a year of living fast and stressed, the pain brought me to my bed and knocked me out to sleep for 16 hours at a time. I slept so much that I was complimented for having reduced my eye-bags, and trust me, that’s saying like I won the Ms. Universe. This served as a slap on my face telling me to slow down and live.

In those three months, I’ve had so much time on my hands that I had no idea what to do with them so I watched how other people lived. The many times I just watched CADs train from the dirty mattress allowed me to see the happiness, relief and a bunch of unexplainable feelings dancers live for despite the pain and time they had to sacrifice. Of course, there were moments that I refused to watch them dance because I only felt worse that they get to do everything I wish I could be doing with them.

I guess, and I hope, after all of this, I would have learned my lesson to remember that I need to my body’s silent and sneaky cries of pain underneath all of the loud things I tell myself for that extra push. And I’m posting this super personal matter to tell you guys to relax, even if I know you’ll say, ‘the pain is going to be worth it’ because it will definitely make you think about it.

CADs is not an org, it's a family.

Nicole x


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