Now I Know That I Did Something Wrong

Cause I missed you.

(Do not continue reading. I may have gone off tangent in most parts and I don’t make any sense)

It’s one of those nights again that I miss you. Tonight, I missed you enough to even try and guess what my password for twitter is so that I would know how you were but I guess being away from twitter isn’t just for the good of my academic and athletic life.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong. And it annoys me that I have no one to blame but myself, obviously. Honestly, I’m really happy with my life aside from the diet part. Generally though, life’s been pretty awesome. I have the best set of friends, the best dance team I’ve ever had, an understanding family and a well-organized life.

I can safely say that I have learned to pace myself and handle stress although there have been a lot of episode that I just stop, run my fingers through my hair and wonder if all of this hardwork and sacrifice will be worth it. I wonder if all this dieting and abstaining from alcohol and night outs will be worth it. It’s not the uncertainty that bothers me. It’s the fact that I even doubt when I KNOW that it is worth it.

I’ve successfully eliminated you from my life by putting things before you until you’re pushed out of the picture. I hate my own bipolarity that makes me think about how much I actually want you or just anyone in my life. I hate how it makes me think that I’m inadequate and unworthy to deserve to be alone. I hate how I can’t seem to control that part of myself, of all things. I hate how you effortlessly put all my efforts of forgetting you to waste with just popping into my head as the guy I used to know and love. Asshole.

Maybe this is just my subconscious being a bitch to me since I have been spending way too much time fully-awake and conscious, neglecting its existence. Maybe this is just the stress finally getting to me and screwing up my brain. Or maybe it’s just ’cause Valentine’s Day is drawing nearer and nearer and my extreme hate for the ‘holiday’ is starting to surface.

Fuck.

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